Stark Musings

 Why do i procrastinate on actual work too? At first blush it feels like a bolt of pain goes through my body but its not pain at all, not physical, more like emotional pain or something. Instant fear of discomfort and regret. Regret what? Regretting how i will feel? What will i feel? bored? Struggling to get something done, which in turn means im no good? Or is it just frustration? Its like if the work is complex for no good reason, i.e. requires a lot of focus but is not at the same time engaging or interesting then that wears on me, then it means i have to just slog through it, i get easily distracted because the monkey on my back needs feeding and keeps chittering and chattering about this and about that. Results in exhaustive effort. So in anticipation of this... just thinking about having to do this sort of work sends my mind fleeing into the arms of soothing escapism. Is there a way to reframe this? I only feel this with certain tasks, like ones where it is cumbersome to perf...

Why do i continue to play games instead of working on projects? No social life - feel a strong need to get some social interaction.. so at nights i much rather go online and play games with friends, feel starved for social interaction? When i try think about how i feel or dig deep into my bundle of thoughts and feelings around gaming it goes something like this: I get this contraction in my stomach, sometimes in my chest, at the thought of having to exchange gaming time for something productive. I enjoy working on projects when i eventually manage to get myself to do something, but i think theres this ever present fear of failure... fear of it all being pointless and meaningless and just a waste of time. Logically i think my ideas have the potential to work but sometimes i get stuck on something and end up having to waste the time i mentally prepared (for just coding) on finding a workaround or doing research when all i wanted to do was put in some time and write some code. It is demot...

 Source of anxiety, relationships, risks. Source of social anxiety. My social anxiety stems from: Having to tolerate people that annoy me Scope: People with low intelligence People with low moral compass  Toxic people  Insecure people Deluded people  People that have very differing world views from myself (stupid ones, i dont mind intelligent world views that differ from mine) Why? I get annoyed with people who dont examine life but rather outsource their opinions.  Most of the world's problems are caused by these people flocking with a herd mentality, being led by the nose by influencers. They give me no pleasure or stimulation. So being around them is frustrating or at the least boring. And boring is uncomfortable. Boring? Or living with no distraction? Having to do something i dont want to do  Such as what?  Listen to music i dont like, be part of conversations i have no interest in. Likelihood of not fitting in, interaction not being natural What d...

 Sometimes i think that nothing is ever going to make me happy. Like maybe its all just really boring eventually. You can go to a place and do a thing and at first it will feel like you finally found something that is going to give you happiness. But then after a while perhaps shockingly soon it will wane and you'll be back where you started and you will have wasted all that energy. But then I guess there are only two paths to happiness:  You either have to abandon all eternal pursuits, just give up completely, be mindful and zen or you have to continue moving like a shark from one thing to the next, the continuous pursuit. It feels like a combination of the two is how we are meant to live, thats how our nomad ancestors lived, thats how most mammals live. Free to just go wherever, constantly discovering new things but not because you feel compelled to chase down an end to your own emptiness but just because it is the natural course of your existence inside of nature. I had the...