Session 2 thoughts

 Recap:

Depressive reaction of couple days to the water costs. Might have been a bit too much.

Demands vs preferences

Perhaps i use negative events such as the water pipe burst cost issue to slump, or to give up trying. Like this is just going to keep happening to me
everytime i try, something is going to happen to knock me back down. It reinforces the idea that its pointless to try anything.
So why even bother.

Thought: This event is evidence that trying to accomplish something is pointless, trying to be a better person or trying to live a better life is pointless
         because whenever i try something then life just smashes me back down.
Feel:    Sad, disappointed, hurt, vulnerable
Action:     Withdraw from responsible living, hide in escapism, feel sorry for myself.

What is the rational / reasonable / healthy way to think?
Its not personal? Of course its not personal, though i have to admit as stupid as it sounds it feels that way.
Okay so sure its not personal but that doesnt really matter, the crux is that life is full of negative episodes.
I've had my fair share of episodes, actually ive had my UNfair share. And im sick of it. I just want to live my life without admin.
Unencumbered. Unfettered. Unchained by rubbish like this. This is why i want to run away from it all. This is why i want to
go to cape town and live like somebody who has as few responsibilities as possible.

Life is full of disappointment. So how do i make sense of that? How do i live a meaningful life when life is a shit show.
Though if im honest with myself life really isnt that bad. These episodes are actually  few and far between. But i've lived my life in isolation for a long time. Not entirely in isolation but with very little conscious effort on my part. So i havent really given life a chance to NOT disappoint me. I've been hiding away for decades. Doing my best to avoid disappointment and substituting a real life for a hundred different fictional lives in the gaming world or in the tv world.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why do i continue to play games instead of working on projects?

Why do i continue to play games instead of working on projects? No social life - feel a strong need to get some social interaction.. so at nights i much rather go online and play games with friends, feel starved for social interaction? When i try think about how i feel or dig deep into my bundle of thoughts and feelings around gaming it goes something like this: I get this contraction in my stomach, sometimes in my chest, at the thought of having to exchange gaming time for something productive. I enjoy working on projects when i eventually manage to get myself to do something, but i think theres this ever present fear of failure... fear of it all being pointless and meaningless and just a waste of time. Logically i think my ideas have the potential to work but sometimes i get stuck on something and end up having to waste the time i mentally prepared (for just coding) on finding a workaround or doing research when all i wanted to do was put in some time and write some code. It is demot...
Read more

Why do i procrastinate on actual work too?

 Why do i procrastinate on actual work too? At first blush it feels like a bolt of pain goes through my body but its not pain at all, not physical, more like emotional pain or something. Instant fear of discomfort and regret. Regret what? Regretting how i will feel? What will i feel? bored? Struggling to get something done, which in turn means im no good? Or is it just frustration? Its like if the work is complex for no good reason, i.e. requires a lot of focus but is not at the same time engaging or interesting then that wears on me, then it means i have to just slog through it, i get easily distracted because the monkey on my back needs feeding and keeps chittering and chattering about this and about that. Results in exhaustive effort. So in anticipation of this... just thinking about having to do this sort of work sends my mind fleeing into the arms of soothing escapism. Is there a way to reframe this? I only feel this with certain tasks, like ones where it is cumbersome to perf...
Read more

Session 1

 Source of anxiety, relationships, risks. Source of social anxiety. My social anxiety stems from: Having to tolerate people that annoy me Scope: People with low intelligence People with low moral compass  Toxic people  Insecure people Deluded people  People that have very differing world views from myself (stupid ones, i dont mind intelligent world views that differ from mine) Why? I get annoyed with people who dont examine life but rather outsource their opinions.  Most of the world's problems are caused by these people flocking with a herd mentality, being led by the nose by influencers. They give me no pleasure or stimulation. So being around them is frustrating or at the least boring. And boring is uncomfortable. Boring? Or living with no distraction? Having to do something i dont want to do  Such as what?  Listen to music i dont like, be part of conversations i have no interest in. Likelihood of not fitting in, interaction not being natural What d...
Read more